Ok I have been wanting to do a post about this since I got to Chile. After living in Chile for more than a week, I think any Gringo would start to see the great idiosyncrasy which is the busing system here in Chile. Many a time, in the midst of almost crapping my pants as a bus takes a sharp turn at 72 KM/Hour, I have thought to myself how strange it is that the buses are the fastest vehicles on the road. As I have spent more and more time on the buses, experiencing every sort of head-scratcher moment you can think of, I have come to understand the chaos of the system, and maybe even have started to love it.
So here is the main issue with busing in Chile. It is a commission based system. Each bus "chofer" (so ironic that Chileans use that word to mean driver, since in English (chauffeur) it is used to describe a prim and proper car handler, and here it is used to describe asshole maniacs) gives out tickets to each passenger when they board, depending on where they are going to. At the end of the day, based on the number of tickets given out, that bus driver gets his bonus commission. And this, coupled with the questionable driving practices already common in Chile, creates a special kind of public transportation insane asylum.
Basically because of the commission system, the buses race each other for commuters. And I don't mean like race each other nicely in their own lanes. No. The buses here will cut off cars, almost hit people, and use their horn to bully their way to the finish. During rush hour, buses won't even stop to let you off if your stop is one that is not crowded with people that will board. Instead the bus will just slow down enough for you to jump out of the moving vehicle. But the most obvious result of this rush is the speed at which the bus goes. You almost always have to hold on to something. Imagine this, a beat up Mercedes bus driven by a man with a bad attitude, who has one hand on the shifter and another on the wheel, driving faster than all the cars on the road, going about 90 KM/Hr in the city. Now imagine the road packed with these things. The poor cars don't even get to relax for a second. On all sides there are psychopathic bus drivers honking their horns at you, tailgating the living shit out of you, driving around like this was bumper cars at the county fair. And in all this racing, sometimes the bus driver decides he should try to get to a different stop first. Thus the reasons why the buses sometimes don't even take established routes. Also they don't stop if it is rush hour, and you are the only one at the stop, it just isn't worth their time.
Furthermore, this systems has become so evolved it needs a hierarchy. Because during certain times of the day there are more people at certain stops, the bus driver needs someone to keep tabs on his position so he can out-maneuver the competition. Who does he get to do this? The Sapo (toad).
Sorry but I need to make a quick side note to better explain the sapo. I swear one of the weirdest things about Chile is its large economic sector of useless jobs. First you got the neighborhood parking attendants who make sure all the bad drivers in Chile don't hit other cars when they park, and who moonlight as car washers and stoop guards. Then you get the army of dog shit picker uppers whose main task seems to be to clean the streets of the large amounts of dog turds left from the masses of stray dogs. After that there is the run-of-the-mill gypsy trick peddlers, who will walk into the street and twirl fire for you. And of course the crap-sellers, who peddle you popsicles or plastic card holders for your IDs. Really the list goes on and on. And then there is the sapo.
So the sapo has his little notepad and Fannie pack. He uses the notepad to record the time and the number of all the buses that have passed, and he uses the stylish Fannie pack to collect the coins the bus driver will toss his way for his work. How it functions is like so: a bus driver will arrive at a stop and honk his horn. The sapo will come up to the window and shout/tell the bus driver what his current positions is. Then the bus driver usually gives a thumbs up and burns rubber to get to the next stop. During the night, when the traffic is less and the bus driver actually need to gather people to board his bus to get commission, the bus driver employs a person I like to call Asshole #2 (the bus driver usually takes first place). This secondary type of sapo rides with the bus, and gets out at stops and verbally assaults people to inform them of where the bus is going, then gets back on. The main job of asshole #2 is this, to gather up the sheep at the stops and shove them on the bus, of course using only his words. So like an Australian Shepherd, asshole #2 will bark and run around to push the herd onto the bus. I have also noticed that #2 has some kind of secondary function because he or she (I have actually seen women in the position) will occasionally make shady phone calls, or record something in a notebook.
So speaking of assholes, I guess I should explain why I dislike most of the bus drivers. Well the fact is that they treat their customers like cattle. If a bus is full, the driver will yell at you to move back. If their is absolutely no space, rest assured that the yelling will continue regardless. A result of the commission system, a bus driver will pack his bus until people are standing on the boarding stairs. If an old women refuses to be backed like a sardine, the bus driver will continue to yell at her. No mercy. Another reason why the bus drivers aren't that morally upstanding is the fact that some will lie to get their commission. "Does this bus go to here" "Oh suuuuurrree buddy, get on" (time passes) "Umm did I miss this stop" "We don't go there idiot,hhahahaha" Or sometimes it is this scenario. "Hello Senor bus driver, here is my student ID that ensures I get half off on the price." "No, you pay full price" "But here is my ID, look." "Okay but school should be over by now" "No it is not" "Okay well I don't see a backpack so I don't think you are going to school" "I'm going to fucking school man" "Okay well you are in Valparaiso and that card will only work in Vina" "Fine just take my money, I've got better things to do than argue over 20 cents"
Of course it isn't just bad things, although all the above might speak to the contrary. One of the coolest things about the buses here are how they are decorated. Each driver get almost complete freedom it seems like to decorate his bus how he wants. I have seen buses decked out with Jesus' faces everywhere. I have seen buses with fuzzy die. I have even seen a batman bus, with a giant batman symbol on the back of the bus. Along with the physical decorations, there are also some buses who will play a certain radio station. So you get the 80's American pop buses, or the reggatone buses, or even the classic ranchero music buses. It is always entertaining when you get on a bus with a unique music taste.
I mean with everything insane about the busing system, I guess I have started to love it. There is nothing more fun than catching the bus winning the race to Valparaiso in the middle of the day, going probably at least double the speed limit down the twisting beach road. If you catch that bus, you are assured to get there faster than any car could take you. And after a long night, when all you want to do is get into your bed, that bus comes up, asshole #2 yells at you to get on, and you are on the fast track to sleep and comfort. It is like Darwin said, survival of the fittest. If I had a broken leg I probably would have trouble jumping off the moving bus. So it is lucky that I don't. Each moment I have gained from taking a dangerously quick bus definitely will pay off in the long run. I am sorry old ladies, there are always order-in services.
And I will end this horrendously wordy post with another cat picture. I like to call it "Catitude, talk to my ass, cause the face don't want to hear it" Till next time. (This post doesn't have a phrase because it is a normal post dude, next one will have a phrase)
